Emotionally intelligent people use 3 short phrases to stop getting defensive and strengthen their relationships

How do I handle the feeling of getting defensive? That’s the question we discussed recently in my emotional intelligence community. A member (we’ll call her Raven) shared how she noticed the same pattern develop over and over at work. “Someone will say something,” Raven said. “And it triggers big feelings. Almost immediately, I start mentally assembling a bullet list of all the ways the “something” is wrong. Ways to make them see their mistake. Ways to defend myself.” Raven, who I’d describe as a very emotionally intelligent leader, correctly identified the root cause of her feelings. “I feel misunderstood,” she explained. “I feel marginalized. I feel unsupported.” Understanding the root cause is the first step in dealing with defensiveness. But what do you do next? Let’s dive deeper into the topic, viewed through the lens of emotional intelligence. We’ll see three simple phrases you can use to manage feelings of defensiveness, in the moment. But first, we’ll see why we experience defensiveness in the first place. (Enjoy this article? Consider signing up for my free emotional intelligence course.) Why do I get defensive? First things first: It’s helpful to recognize that defensive…